Phnom Phen, Cambodia

Hello all,

This post is not for Grace to read.

I am sitting in the muggy capitol of Cambodia after a long day of educational emotional havoc.  Today Gordy and I visited the Killing Fields of Choeung Ek and the Tuol Sleng Museum- also known at S-21.  There truely are not words to describe witnessing places where such inhumane and violent acts took place in such recent history.  Tuol Sleng espcially was brutal, due to it's unassuming outward appearance.  S-21, before the Khmer Rouge take over in 1975, was a local high school.  It's courtyard and outer walls only hint at the horrors within- and only a second glance shows the thickness of the razor wire tangled above the concrete.  Inside though, the rooms have retained the wire beds and shackles used to torture and interigate over 20,000 people that were housed there between 1975 and 1979.   This is not a visit for the faint of heart, nor is it to be seen in the middle of other more palatable tourist attractions.  The photographs set up in memorial of those lost are almost as difficult to look at as the rooms, which you are free to walk in, touch, lay down etc.  Watching other visitors faces, it was apparent that very few people expected the emotional impact that this place was having on them personally.  I had to take a moment outside more then once, and even then it was hard to look at the former playground- which had been used to hang citizens to conserve bullets. 

While I type this, it is hard for me not to be overwhelmed with the tragic story that played out here.  I suddenly understand why I've felt so oddly about the people here, because thier manerisms have a current of (I don't know how to say it pleasantly) fuck-off attitude.  It makes sense though, when tourists now come here for vactation, spending money and being completely unable to relate to the people who survived this genocide.  Yet, tourism is what is funding the rebuilding of Cambodia at this stage- everything is in US currency, from rooms at the guest house to coffee on the street.  And the Cambodian people are welcoming to those from outside their borders, but that welcome also comes with a hint of desperation.  So far, in other places the drivers and tour guides have heckled you about rides and prices, but in Cambodia there is a sense of urgency to thier argument.  Haggleing isn't about trying to see how much they can get from us for fun- it feels like they really need the money.  Gordy and I have talked about this tragic under-current we've both been feeling since comeing into Cambodia.  It's in the guestures and pleading adult eyes, and yet there is joy unbound in the younger generation here.  It is such a paradox, seeing so many school children laughing and playing soccer in the dirt next to places where people are still trying to literally rebuild the homes they were forced from less then 30 years ago. 

I felt guilty walking these places, like I was at the funeral of someone I only knew vauegly while the family mourned aloud.  Still, both places stated in different areas the importance of forgien visitors to the sites to educate the world about the events there. It was incredible the amount of information and depth that is found at Choeung Ek and S-21- a tribute to those who are still working to preserve the memory of this violent chapter of Cambodian history. 

I hate to end this post without a happy ending, some small humorous moment to lighten the mood, but that is not what days like today are for, and I encourage everyone to spend a few minutes looking up "Khmer Rouge'" and "Choeung Ek" online to better understand.

goodnight.